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On est lundi, il me reste deux paquets de copie, l’envie de vomir et l’impression qu’il n’y a plus rien qui me permette de tenir. Je ne sais pas à quoi me raccrocher, à qui expliquer la douleur, le manque, la peur. Je perds pieds. Les somnifères ne me permettent même plus de dormir, je vais tenter les derniers lexomil pour essayer de me calmer mais je sais qu’une seule solution me serait utile, le voir, le toucher, l’aimer. Oublier qu’il l’a retrouvée et espérer qu’il continue un peu à m’aimer. Mais il est des signes qui ne trompent pas. J’ai mal, tellement mal que je suis incapable de faire quoi que ce soit si ce n’est taper sur ces touches qui me servent de défouloir parce que j’ai peur de ce que je pourrais faire, des mots que je pourrais envoyer si je ne continue pas à taper sur ce clavier.
J’aurais peut-être dû lui répondre en ce jour de Noël, pourquoi, une fois de plus ai-je cherché à le protéger. J’aurais pu lui répondre, lui gâcher à elle aussi cette journée. J’aurais pu écrire, « vous ne m’apprenez rien, je savais déjà tout cela puisque je l’ai vu avant qu’il ne parte. Oubliez mon numéro, cela vous sera plus utile. Ne m’obligez pas à raconter ce qu’il vaut mieux que je taise. Rappelez-vous que je ne suis qu’une parenthèse qui va bientôt s’arrêter, qu’une personne niaise qu’il n’aime que baiser. Pensez à ce que vous avez et non pas à ce qu’il fait. Alors prenez une bonne résolution, cessez vos communications ». J’aurais dû, ce présent épouvantable, effroyable lui aurait permis de se meurtrir et peut-être de me guérir. Mais, une fois de plus, j’ai été trop gentille, me suis dit qu’il méritait un noël tranquille en famille, des vacances sereines, peu importe que cela gâche les miennes, lui pouvait aller bien alors je savais pourquoi je rongeais mon frein.
Mais il n’a pas su me faire aller bien, il n’a pas su prendre soin de moi, me montrant ainsi son mépris, son désir de rester chez lui. Maintenant, il me faudrait penser à moi et uniquement à moi, peu importe les conséquences pour lui, j’ai des enfants, des jeunes enfants, il a préservé les siens, je n’ai pas le droit de détruire les miens, de les laisser pour cette aventure sans lendemain. Mais je ne peux m’y résoudre tant mon désir de le retrouver me tétanise, me ridiculise. Je tiens à lui, il tient à elle, solitude éternelle, désir incommensurable. Je voudrais pouvoir le joindre mais il est intelligent, il n’a plus de portable, se rendant ainsi inaccessible, libre de ses mouvements. Alors, moi ? Faire comme lui, prendre ma voiture et aller près de chez lui. Il serait capable de me le reprocher, de m’en vouloir. Lui peut se le permettre, moi je dois juste rester là et ne rien commettre.
J’ai mal et écrire ne change rien, n’atténue pas le chagrin.
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