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J'ai la chance d'avoir des amis qui ne m'ont pas jugée, pas méprisée, qui m'ont aidée. J'ai la chance d'avoir des enfants qui m'ont souri, qui m'ont embrassée, qui m'ont laissée. Pendant deux jours, faire semblant, faire comme si tout allait bien, comme si le soleil brillait partout et pour tout le monde. L'emmener ce petit monde dans un camping féérique pour que cette lumière me remplisse. Savoir avant de partir que la gageure ne pourra tenir mais y aller pour qu'elles puissent rire et s'amuser.
Alors, les heures passent, en silence, dans la douleur de ce pieu qui s'enfonce irrémédiablement. Les heures passent sans que ne trépassent l'absence, la volonté de le revoir, la douleur de la rupture. Les heures passent, au bord de la piscine. Les regarder s'esbrouer dans l'eau, rire aux éclats de ces toboggans qu'elles dévalent à vive allure. Les accompagner partout, nulle part, les accompagner physiquement car seul le corps peut sembler de la partie. Elles continuent la fête, animées par la seule motivation du plaisir, du partage de l'insouciance de leur enfance, aidées par eux deux qui les amènent dans la danse.
Ne pouvoir manger, ne pouvoir absorber le moindre aliment mais les nourrir, leur fournir les conditions d'un pique-nique magique. Tout se doit d'être parfait pour que le pot aux roses ne soit découvert. Tout doit avoir l'apparence du bonheur pour masquer le malheur. Ne pouvoir rien absorber si ce n'est la fumée de ces cigarettes trop vite consommées, consumées. Fumer et fumer encore pour se sentir mieux, pour se donner l'illusion de la décontraction. Fumer toujours plus parce que l'illusion est de courte durée, que l'étau demeure.
Avoir laissé les mails mais les remplacer par le télephone, par ces appels qui vous calment, vous déraisonnent, vous assoment, vous consolent, vous condamnent. Ne pas saisir les mots, ne pas saisir les motivations mais l'espace de quelques instants oublier. Oublier la rupture, oublier la blessure et se raccrocher à ses histoires, ses déboires, se raccrocher à l'espoir.
Se balader dans ses rues parcourues quelques mois plus tôt en sa compagnie et la blessure s'écartèle, béante; la douleur explose, l'humeur est pire que morose, plus rien n'est possible. Avancer devant, derrière mais loin, s'écarter des autres pour masquer le chagrin, parce que faire semblant n'est plus à la portée. les bénir eux, une fois de plus, les regarder prendre en charge la marche, le rire et les grimaces. Pleurer, suffoquer et se rappeler. Se rappeler les heures passées, les images ancrées, les paroles échangées, les plaisirs partagés.
Parler, raconter et le remercier pour cette écoute renouvelée, pour cette patience inaltérée, pour son silence malgré l'exaspération de la situation. Comment peuvent-ils me supporter alors que ma compagnie est des plus médiocres, des plus inadmissibles? Heureusement, le soleil nous a accompagnés et leur a offert quelques moments de distraction.
Un week end pour les aimer mais qui n'a pas permis d'oublier. Un week end de l'excès, ne pas manger, trop boire et trop fumer mais toujours, toujours vouloir le retrouver.
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