17.30: Départ de tous, on se retrouve dans le calme, le silence et …. le ménage.
J'aurais aimé que cette présence chaleureuse, agréable me permette de faire le vide, d'oublier. J'aurais aimé ne plus y penser, taire ce désir qui m'envahit, m'atrophie. J'aurais aimé...
Mais se sentir comme un double ; se regarder parler, rire, jouer, partager avec eux leur grain de folie, leur partie de trivial pursuit et pourtant ne cesser de penser, de rêver, de l'imaginer. Etre avec eux, Manger (un peu), boire (trop), être présente mais toujours ailleurs.
Ecrire pour ne pas lui écrire. Parce que je ne le dois pas, parce qu'il ne le veut pas.
Ecrire pour réfléchir, pour essayer d'analyser. Vouloir comprendre ce désir qui m'anime, cette envie qui me paralyse.
Ecrire pour ne pas sombrer.
23.34: Décidément, même si ce mot peut visiblement entraîner des folies, cette journée n'apportera pas l'oubli. Et pourtant, une séance de cinéma, surtout avec eux, cela aurait dû me permettre de me libérer, de m'évader... Une séance de cinéma mais pas celle-là. Une séance mais pas ce film: mais qu'ils arrêtent de chanter!!!
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