Je déambule dans la classe. Les larmes restent dans ma tête. Je leur parle, je leur souris. Le cours se poursuit sans incident, sans différence, en indifférence. Les élèves ressemblent à ceux que j'ai laissés la veille, peut-être encore plus calmes, peut-être encore plus respectueux. Mais ils réagissent, sourient, répondent... Pourquoi tout est-il aussi banal, atrocement normal.
Les cours, c'est pour eux que je me lève, que je me booste. Pour eux, que je me prends à penser à autre "chose". Je ne devrais pas aller si mal. Après tout, je la connaissais si peu.
Elle, que représente-t-elle? Pour elle, je n'ai été qu'un regard de plus qui s'est penché sur son berceau, qu'un visage souriant émerveillé par ses grands yeux. Mais ils étaient si grands ses yeux. Comme si elle devait tout découvrir très vite.
Pourtant, j'aurais aimé avoir le temps de la connaître. De le voir évoluer avec sa fille. Cela lui allait si bien d'être papa.
Mais aujourd'hui, le cours continue malgré moi, malgré elle. Ils sont encore là, malgré le silence, malgré l'inacceptable.
Il va falloir faire face et continuer. CONTINUER.
Vouloir lui parler et ne penser qu'à cela. Se retenir de lui téléphoner. Simplement envoyer un mail pour montrer qu'on est là, qu'on souffre et qu'ils nous manquent.
BANAL, tout est désespérément banal. Ils sont encore là, en groupe, à rechercher des réponses à des questions dont ils se moquent. Ont-ils compris qu'il se passait quelque chose. Que je n'allais pas bien? Sont-ce mes états d'âme qui rejaillissent sur eux?
Je les remercie ces élèves. Je les remercie pour leur respect, leur dynamisme et leur sourire. Même si aujourd'hui je n'ai pas le coeur d'y penser, je crois que véritablement, il m'aide ce métier.
Le 18/01
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